Below are the 5 most recent journal entries recorded in mono_mama's LiveJournal:

Thursday, December 13th, 2007
4:03 pm	Hmm..interesting. There is a post by me_is_pink in which some trivial disagreement gets blown out of proportion and there is a lot of hatred expressed towards her because of her relationship issues, which actually had nothing whatsoever to do with the nominal topic of discussion, which semantics of a particular adjective, and whether it might be considered insulting to people in general, and whether one should therefore avoid calling people that word, in case it might offend. What's interesting is the level of hatred and rage expressed against me_is_pink because of her relationship issues, some of which even appear to be no longer current issues. What's that about? Recently I had a similar experience on the mono_poly forum, and badseed1980 said that it wasn't hate and rage, it was just frustration because I don't take everyone's advice (which seems the only sensible advice from their perspective) to dump my husband and get happy that way. But I'm not really buying that, because if one is frustrated, one can just snort and skip over the posts by the people one finds frustrating. No, this felt much more like the sort of hatred that runs rampant in middle schools and is directed at the kids who "don't fit in", are not attractive, not wealthy, and intelligent enough to blow the curve, whereby the cardinal sins seem to be unattractiveness and poverty combined with lack of willingness to be properly humble and submissive. Ok, so that sort of thing is somewhat comprehensible in a middle-school situation, where the kids are jockeying for social position and tremendously worried about how much sex appeal they have, and trying to achieve (relatively) more by cutting others down. Unwillingness to play the game that is at the center of their universe results in a sense of threat and a torrent of hatred. There's also a lot of negative emotion built up from being whomped on by other kids higher up the ladder, and isn't it sweet to be able to turn around and give as good as you got, if only to someone else below you. But what on earth is at the root of this sort of emotion on the mono-poly forum? There is no status to be had there. I don't see an obvious pecking order. So where is the hatred coming from? What's the motivation for the rage? Baffled and curious.....hmmmm...... (15 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, November 3rd, 2007
10:10 pm	confusing game Have you ever noticed that in quite a few posts, people suggest that telling one's partner "no" about something or "must have" about something is stated to be controlling, and instead one is advised to say "This is how I feel about this, and if you can't give me what I want I will unfortunately [insert consequence: "not want to be with you any more", "not have sex with you any more", etc]. Supposedly this allows the partner to make his or her own choices, whereas just saying "no" to something does not. I don't really understand this. It seems to me like a confusing game. ( Read more... ) (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, July 23rd, 2007
4:03 am	heifer survey challenge I think I'd like to do a survey of mono and poly attitudes and behaviors to try to get some actual non-anecdotal data to work from, to kineticflow's point. And since I need some kind of motivation beyond curiousity to fit this into my schedule, I'll make it a challenge: anybody who can, pledge an item off www.heifer.org to help lift people around the world out of poverty, sustainably and with a focus on improving human rights. If I can get a thousand bucks of pledges, I'll do the survey. When the survey is completed, people owe their pledges to heifer, on the honor system. That way, even if the survey is complete b.s., at least someone benefits :) Although I kind of doubt it will be complete b.s....I do a fair share of survey work for a living. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 28th, 2007
12:03 am	so nice for a change My husband broke up with his girlfriend - apparently after spending more time with her on holiday, he decided they weren't a good match after all. And he's accepting that I can't deal with more women from the yoga school he attends, though he has a crush on one of the women there. And right now, he wants to work on his own personal development and his PhD thesis and learning how to differentiate between hormones and real love, so he doesn't want any other relationships in his life right now. His heart is still sore from his breakup and from not being able to pursue his crush, anyway. And he's not being resentful of me for being the way I am - instead he's working on deepening and enriching our relationship. I feel so loved that he's willing to take this opportunity to really be with me instead of focusing on feeling trapped and resentful and wishing he could be actively poly right this very minute, as he used to do. And it is soooooo good for me to be in a relationship with him without other women. It's like coming in from icy weather outdoors to a warm fire and a hot bath and meal. It's not that I can't bundle up against the cold, it's just it's so much nicer and better indoors, where it's warm and cozy and I can relax and not have to be constantly jumping up and down trying to keep from freezing. My work on getting more stable and grounded goes much faster now, and my love for him is able to finally grow stronger on its own, without constant effort to keep it alive. Hopefully this break (for however long it lasts - could be two days and could be months) will provide a better basis for us next time he takes another woman into his life. I know he's having a hard time without other people, same as I have a hard time when he does have other people, but I think it's more productive to look at it as a kind of natural back and forth of opportunity for each of us to flourish and lay more solid groundwork, kind of like a pas de deux where the man sometimes supports the woman and doesn't do much dancing himself, alternating with her supporting him while he shines. Is that how other mono poly couples handle this as well - see the without other partners phases as the time for the mono person to relax and build strength and do basic personal development work in an ideal environment, and work on issues specific to the relationship, and deepen the relationship; whereas the multiple partner phases are a time for the poly person to relax and do their work in an ideal environment, and a time for the strains of the logistics and personality interactions to teach their own lessons, and for there to be less overlap between the mono person and the poly person, a sort of holiday from mono-style intimacy as it were? Current Mood: loved (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, March 26th, 2007
11:40 am	to franklin's point I was recently rereading the communication section of Franklin's mono-poly website, and I noticed the bit where he says that it isn't enough to talk and listen to each other, you have to really *understand* each other as well. If you don't understand the concepts and world view your partner espouses, then whenever they say something that relates to those foreign concepts and alien world view, it'll sound like nonsense, or like something your partner didn't mean at all, which isn't really conducive to getting along. This made a lot of intuitive sense to me, because one of the ways I can bring myself to tolerate my husband sleeping with other women is by kind of method acting in my mind what it would be like to be poly. I can more or less feel what it is he finds so attractive about poly, it's just that for me, it's completely the wrong thing, totally incompatible with who I am, what my personal values are and how I love, so it isn't something that I can hold onto for more than a few seconds at a time. Still, those short glimpses help me to be more tolerant and willing to compromise, and they generate some of the compassion that allows me to tolerate a certain amount of pain, for his sake. My husband, on the other hand, does not understand my mono outlook on a gut level, nor on an intellectual level, nor does he want to, even for a brief moment. When I ask him to try to look at things from my perspective, he reacts like I'm trying to set some kind of trap for him. He simply puts up with restrictions on his poly-ness so that I can be happy and his home life can be harmonious and pleasant. That attitude makes it hard for him to really *want* to meet me halfway, let alone feel compersion for me as a mono person. Ok, maybe that's the wrong word...um...should I say empathy? But that's not what I mean, either. I mean that I feel monogamy is a beautiful, joyous thing, and I wish he could feel compersion for my happiness in being mono, and my pleasure in offering him my loyalty and fidelity. I wish he could see the value of my loyalty and fidelity, even briefly, even if it isn't something he can or wants to offer me in return. I mean, even if I don't like a particular world-renowned artist, I'll generally be able to see that his works have merit as art and if my partner were a fan of that artist, I'd be very touched if he gave me one of the guy's pictures, for the symbolic value of the gift, even if the picture itself did nothing for me. So, just wondering how other people feel about this. How many mono people feel that their poly partners really understand them and feel compersion with their mono-ness? How have mono partners been able to get across to their poly partners the joy of monogamy, even if it isn't the poly partner's cup of tea? And how many poly partners feel that you actually understand your mono partner's outlook on a gut level, at least occasionally? What made that possible for you? How much work is it to do that? How crucial is that insight to being able to cheerfully compromise with your mono partner's needs? Or do you not want anything to do with understanding monogamy, you just compromise with your mono partner because you love them, even though they're crazy (from your perspective)? :) (5 Comments |Comment on this)